Upon arrival at my two-week isolation hotel in Christchurch, New Zealand, everybody was issued a calendar filled with daily suggestions of 'things to do'. The purpose of said calendar was (self-described) to encourage health of the mind, body and soul. I had learned about this concept in P.E: 'Hauora'. Well done, Ms. Owens! (Later suspended for punching a student).
I didn't give the calendar much thought. It included suggestions like, 'Make your bed as soon as you get out of it' and, 'Have a vegetarian meal'. The calendar was not my frikkin' mum and I didn't have to listen to it if I didn't want to. But by day 6 my well-being had taken a turn for the not-so well. My iPhone alerted me that my daily 'Screen Time' had gone up to 9 hours on average. I'd nearly drowned in the bath while trying to meditate. And I couldn't stop thinking back to my arrival at the hotel where my pubic trimmer had gone off in my bag. It's a difficult thing to explain away, considering the only other thing that makes that vibrating noise is a vibrator - and which of those two items would've been worse?
My Hauora was all outta wack. I was in spiritual chaos. It was time for me to embrace the cal. The moment I looked at Day 7, I knew I'd struck gold.
'Write a letter'? 'A prize'? As an avid writer whose love language is 'gift receiving', this was quite simply made for me. The previous day they had listed, 'Research a random topic' and today was - in so many ways - about building on that. As I had spent much of that afternoon frantically Wiki worm-holing Martha Stewart's white-collar crimes as though they had just happened, I chose to base my letter on the businesswoman herself.
I often struggle to get solid amounts of writing done and can easily turn small tasks like 'call bank' into a full day's work but with a mystery prize as my carrot and a dwindling time limit as my stick, I was off to the bloody races. So without further ado, I'm publishing my letter here. Not because it's good or I'm proud of it in any way - but because it's mine. And I am thrilled to say: I won the prize (it was a bar of Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate, Oreo flavoured)
A Letter on a ‘Random Topic’ to the Staff of Chateau on the Park
By Simone Nathan, Room 259
During a recent zombified scroll through social media I encountered a picture of a young Martha Stewart that sent shockwaves through my musculoskeletal system. My eyes rolled towards the back of my head, instantly righting themselves, slot machine like. Martha looked so beautiful that it left me, as the kids say on Twitter, wanting her to kill me and my entire family, bloodbath style. The image wrenched me out of my disassociated state and left me, motion sick, with more questions than it answered. The photo looked like it was from the 18th century. How old exactly is Martha Stewart? Also who is Martha Stewart? And what do I really know about her. After clocking Day 6 of the ‘Thrive&Hilton’ isolation calendar, suggesting we ‘research a random topic’ I decided that I would do a deep dive on this.
My interest in Miss Martha was piqued years ago when I read that she had briefly dated actor Sir Anthony Hopkins but broke up with him after seeing him in the movie ‘Silence of the Lambs’ because she, ‘Couldn’t get past the Lecter thing’. Needless to say, it reminded me of the time I broke up with a guy because I saw him trip over in the street and I fell out of love with him. To read that Martha had gone through something similar? It was then that I recognised her to be a real girl’s girl.
We are all aware of Martha as an Oprah-adjacent figure, celebrated for her empire of baked goods and household crafts. According to her website, ‘Martha Stewart has written and published an astounding 97 books (and counting!) over the course of her nearly 40-year-long career.’ She also taught people how to fold a fitted sheet. Neeeever forget that. And she has given us all the gift of gorgeous pot and pan non-stick cookware sets at Kmart – Gandhi vibes! But we also know she went to prison recently for some white-collar crime. The specifics of this crime, however, I did not. What were Martha crimes? And are they iconic? This and more tonight on 3 News.
Considering I have zero shares in any corporations and am what might be traditionally described as a ‘lowly pauper’ (less stock broker more…broke broker), it is interesting to note that one of my biggest fears is being convicted for insider trading. In reality, the thing I will actually go to jail for will be some kind of accidental tax fraud, born from stubbornly refusing to pay someone to do them for me each and every calendar year of my adult life. Insider trading just seems so scary because, like – what is it? And also, am I doing it?
In my extensive research into Martha’s crimes (a single Google search), I read in the failing New York Times that she was indicted, ‘On charges of conspiracy, obstruction of justice and securities fraud, all linked to a personal stock trade she made in 2001.’
Basically, as far as I can tell – Martha had shares in a biopharmaceutical company called ImClone. (I’m Clone, You’re Clone, We’re all Clone for ImClone) When the drug failed to get approved, Martha received a tip from one of the company’s founders before the announcement was made. After an investigation into Stewart’s relash with ImClone, it was discovered that she had indeed sold a bunch of her stock the day before the FDA decision was announced – which netted her about $45,000. Our girl was found guilty in March 2004 of felony charges of conspiracy and obstruction of justice. Interestingly enough, it wasn’t the insider trading that got her but the lying during the investigation of said trading.
Here’s the thing. It’s not….great! But it’s also not even close to the crimes that Donald Trump has committed prior to and throughout his yucky little Presidency (okayyy I’m a political cartoonist). Martha Stewart was disgraced – but she was also rehabilitated! She served her time and we’re obsessed with that. Others have done the same or far worse and not been jailed. David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler (I get my news from Twitter) recently leveraged their power as Senators to make themselves even richer than they already were by profiteering off the pandemic. Boo! (The U.N are banging on my door begging me to become a Goodwill Ambassador).
People lie all the time. I did it earlier in this very letter when I said I have ‘zero shares in any corporations’. I have lots! My dad has been playing the stock market in my name since I breathed my first gasp of god’s earthly air. I simply chose not to mention it in the hopes of endearing myself to the staff as the kind of down to / salt of the earth gal who’d be deserving of the prize for the best letter I read about on Day 7 of the ‘Thrive&Hilton’ isolation calendar. Baby’s first insider trade?
Now, do I know what the prize is? No. Do I deserve it more than anyone else here? Absolutely not. There are children here! Elderly folk. And a man I witnessed take off his shoes and walk around LAX barefoot, whom I then watched travel all the way to Christchurch with me. I will say I actually do think I deserve it more than him. I’ve received wonderful meals here. Excellent care. Yet it would seem I still want more. And doesn’t that say so much about life? About what Martha Stewart did? Lord knows she didn’t need the extra money she was going to get by all the insider tradings and such. What would that extra $45 thou really have gotten her that she didn’t already have? I once saw a photograph of her cupboard where she had hoarded what can only be described as 8000 identical cake platters. That’s so many cake platters! I doubt she’s even been able to use…half of those!
Perhaps it is simply human nature to want more. I once asked my family doctor, Dr. Stone what habits he’s seen his elderly patients use to avoid death (I’m amazing at small talk). He told me the thing his longest living patients all seem to have in common is a passion – some kind of driving force that keeps them leaping out of bed every morning, even if it is just writing angry letters to the NZ Herald about parking meters. He noted that it was when people lost their ‘thing’; when they retired / lost someone / their ability to do something that this was always when they gave up. And then death enveloped them.
I don’t want to die. Martha Stewart doesn’t want to die. You, dear staff member, don’t want to die either. So was Martha really insider trading for money? Or was she insider trading to experience a taste of danger – to remind herself of that most human desire; what it means to ‘want’. Was she insider trading…to LIVE? The old black and white photo I saw of her suggests she is around 140 years of age. Looking at her today she looks bloody fabulous so whatever she’s doing, she’s obviously doing it right. The moral of the story? Let’s all insider trade. Maybe not money, but love? But also money too. So long as you don’t leave a paper trail.
Thank you for reading and for everything you all do for your quarantined clientele. You are extraordinary!
Yours,
Simone Nathan